There are days that I just want to throw in the towel…I’m done! My mind and heart become so darkened by the daily-ness of living and being and existing. There have been days when I do not want to breath or blink or even think of breathing another breath.
My mind has felt so fractured — so full of things that distract me from the work I must do in the name of Jesus. My mind fills with constant noise and red bouncy balls that are incessantly maddening — it is hard to catch my breath. I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean so very deep that I find the light almost impossible to distinguish.
I cry out to the Lord minute-by-minute and beg Him to help me — beg Him to hold me up out of the depths of the depression and darkness that threaten to end me. David cried out to the LORD in his darkness,
“O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger, Nor chasten me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away; Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. And my soul is greatly dismayed; But You, O LORD—how long? Return, O LORD, rescue my soul; Save me because of Your lovingkindness. For there is no mention of You in death; In Sheol who will give You thanks? I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; It has become old because of all my adversaries. Depart from me, all you who do iniquity, For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping. The LORD has heard my supplication, The LORD receives my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed; They shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.” Psalms 6:1-10
When I read David’s prayer to the LORD, which is prayed from the depths of his utter despair, I do not feel so far away in my own despair. I believe God recorded David’s prayers in His Word so that we wouldn’t feel so foreign and worn and fractured when life weighs heavily in on us. God gave us more than David’s laments, He also recorded David’s declaration of God’s faithfulness to him. “The LORD has heard my supplication, the LORD receives my prayer.” One can draw such comfort from those words — words of promise — words that ensure we’ve not been forsaken or ignored.
In fact, God assures Joshua through Moses,
“The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
He assured Jacob,
“Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15
“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
With all of those assurances God has given in His Word, I am most comforted by Solomon’s words upon bringing the Ark of the Covenant into the Temple,
“May the LORD our God be with us, as He was with our fathers; may He not leave us or forsake us, that He may incline our hearts to Himself, to walk in all His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His ordinances, which He commanded our fathers.” 1 Kings 8:57-58
As the doubts and darkness and aloneness found in sleepless nights invade my fractured and splintered mind, I am reminded that in the depth and midst of those fractures their is Light breaking through. The Light is Jesus and He dispels the darkness with Hope and urges me to persevere…even when the very next breath is difficult. He is my Light and my Breath — amidst a fractured and broken mind. David again reminds me of this truth,
“The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?” Psalms 27:1
However, as I look through the fractures and through the lens of God’s all-knowing, eternal Word, I cannot help but see the Eternal Promise God has given us in Revelation,
“There will no longer be any curse; and the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and His bond-servants will serve Him; they will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And there will no longer be any night; and they will not have need of the light of a lamp nor the light of the sun, because the Lord God will illumine them; and they will reign forever and ever.” Revelation 22:3-5
As I eagerly await Christ’s return, I will allow the Light to seep through the fractures in my mind and heart — I will hope — I will persevere! There really is no other way and how sweet He is to allow me to rest here until then!
You can too!
Soli Deo Gloria