I must try and lay down to sleep — sleep is so elusive.
My heart — my soul, rather, is in such a “weird” place. I’m not really sure even how to describe it because I don’t fully understand the depth of what I am feeling.
I wouldn’t call it peace — because the silence is so loud that it is anything but peaceful.
It is not anxiety — not in the sense the world perceives anxiety.
It’s more of an emptiness — but not an emptiness anyone can come and fill.
Have you ever prayed for something so long, almost without faith that God was truly listening — that He cared — but you know He does — and then He, in all of His glory and splendor — out of His great compassion and faithfulness — He answers your prayer?
At that moment, you feel that the wind has been knocked out of you! You are overcome with thankfulness, gratitude, and you are in complete awe of HIS work, HIS answer — and in that moment “thank you” isn’t enough — “I praise you” — it isn’t enough — “I adore you,” seems so insufficient —–
You are left knowing that there IS NO OTHER NAME TO TRUST — you are left satisfied in the fullness of your soul —-
……and you’re left wondering —now what?
What do I do now, Lord? You heard my heart, my cries, YOU understood that if my prayer — my prayer that had been consistent, faithful, longing for years had not been answered with — “I’ve heard you….I’ve understood….and you have prayed according to MY will and thus, it shall be,” that I would not have know what to do with my faith…. for then….it would have been….
Oh, Lord, I trust YOU, but why????
You knew it would make my faith quiver had YOU not granted it so….
….and as only YOU can be — You showed yourself strong on my behalf — on his —- and when I witnessed YOUR faithfulness to me — to him — I was overcome with humility that YOU did.
Now ….. here I am ….. there are more …..so many more…..
…..yet, I’m empty — not because you didn’t fulfill, but because I feel so lost….so overwhelmed….not knowing where to turn to next….not fully understanding YOUR will….
….it is quiet…..
…..YOU are waiting….
…..not because YOU need me to do anything…..
…..but because I need YOU to keep teaching me….
How do I step into the new direction you want me to — in faith — in HOPE — in a need to show the world that YOU are HE….
but, I’m afraid….
…..afraid that I will breath too deeply — step too assuredly — and would have missed it altogether…..
…..so, I know
It’s not about me……
It’s about this JESUS —
the One I long to resemble —
the One I am afraid I will fail —
the One who says, “Lovest thou ME?”
….and I say, “Yes, Lord, I love you.”
….and I go…..
…..catch me, please, Father….catch me.